I don’t think God actually needs to search me, because he already knows my heart. Psalm 139 says He “created my inmost being” (verse 13), and “before a word is on my tongue, (He) knows it completely” (verse 4).  But He does want me to pray for Him to go with me on a search of my heart, so I can see what he sees.  God doesn’t force his will or his knowledge on us, but patiently waits for us to ask.  And this is one of the most powerful prayers I’ve prayed:

Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.  See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me in the way everlasting.  Psalm 139:23-24

As a young adult, I always thought of myself as such a good person!  So good, that I could never think of anything to say to God during the prayer of confession at church.  That should have been a red flag!  I just couldn’t see my own pride and self-righteousness.  My deepest desire was to be a good person, so I set out to walk the “straight and narrow”.  But I found myself on a dark path that led me further and further away from God.  Whenever I did something wrong or made a mistake, I tried to rationalize it and hide it from others and from God.  That’s what Adam and Eve did after they had eaten the forbidden fruit.  Isolating and hiding from God is just what Satan wants us to do, because it makes us more susceptible to temptation. 

In the 4^th Step of AA & Al Anon, we “made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves”, with the help of God and a sponsor.  I’m convinced that one of the most loving gifts I’ve ever received from God is being humbled.  Becoming aware of how my true nature can rob me of healthy loving relationships, gave me hope for a new life.  Without this gift, my marriage could not have been restored.

In this current moment in time, many of us can receive the gift of humbling, as we become aware of the role we’ve played in allowing racism to persist.  We can’t change the past, but we can pray for God to search us and know our hearts. To see if there is any offensive way in us, and to lead us in the way everlasting.  Only when I see myself accurately, do I have the chance to receive God’s forgiveness and to be changed.

The night before Jesus was crucified, He asked his disciples to pray in the Garden of Gethsemane.  I always thought he asked them to pray for Him, as He faced the biggest trial of his life.  But when I read carefully, I see it’s the disciples’ temptation he was concerned about.

“Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation.  The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”  Matthew 26:41

• What has God shown you about your heart?
• Are you open to what else he might show you?
• Are you willing to accept his love and forgiveness?

PRAY:

Lord show me what you see in my heart. Show me my anxious thoughts.  Forgive me, protect me from temptation and lead me in the way everlasting!

Years of refusing to admit that my husband was an alcoholic, were followed by more years of stubbornly trying to fix him.  My goal was to get back to that “perfect life” I had planned for us. Instead I finally found myself at the end of my rope.  And that’s when I finally stumbled tearfully into an Al-Anon meeting.  Step Eleven of the Twelve Steps of AA and Al Anon states:

“Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.”

In Step Eleven, we seek a closer relationship to God through prayer (talking to God) and meditation (listening to God).  This much I began to understand in my morning readings in the Bible and in Al Anon literature, and by attending Al-Anon meetings and a Working Women’s Bible Study.  I learned to distinguish between what I could control (myself and my behavior) and what I could not (others, their behavior, and circumstances) by praying the short version of the “Serenity Prayer”.

“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr

I came to believe that God could restore me.  Only then, could I regain the sanity that I had lost to the disease of alcoholism, which had taken over my husband’s life and mine. But I had some hard lessons to learn.  God wasn’t satisfied with just comforting me.  He wanted to change me AND my husband!  That meant I needed to learn about tough love.

The value of consistent prayer is not that he will hear us, but that we will hear him.  –  William McGill

Thankfully I heard God, and He used my prayers to change us both. 

And I am still learning about what it means to “pray only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out”. In her book “Pursuing God’s Will Together”, Ruth Haley Barton talks about the prayer of indifference.  It’s not that we don’t care about the answer or the outcome, but that we are willing to surrender our will to God.  We yield to him and are willing to accept his answer, regardless of whether it is aligned with our immediate desires. 

This is the prayer Jesus prayed in the garden of Gethsemane, knowing he would be crucified along with all word’s sin, as a sacrifice for each us:

“Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done.”  Luke 22:42

And this is the prayer Job prayed, after losing everything, hearing God and finally coming to the end of himself:

I know that you can do all things; no purpose of yours can be thwarted.  You asked, “Who is this that obscures my plans without knowledge?”  Surely, I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.  Job 42:1-3

• Are you clear on whether you are praying for your will to be done, or God’s will?
• Are you willing to accept God’s will even if it’s difficult?
• What is an area of your life where you need to pray only for knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out?

PLAY IT BY PRAYER:

Lord, I know you love me and have good plans for me, so I will trust you.  Show me your will, and give me the courage to carry it out.

When God calls to me, I’m not always ready to answer, but God is always ready to answer when I call to him!

“You who answer prayer, to you all people will come.” Psalm 65:2

Although the intense pain of grief subsided within two years following my husband’s death, I remember still feeling so listless.  I told my friends I’d lost my “mojo”, and quipped that it must be an abbreviation for “more joy” because I felt like I had no more joy.  I had no energy or excitement about life, work or anything for that matter.  

My friends suggested I set some goals and a long-term vision – something to look forward to.  But when I tried to think about the future, I felt like I was in a fog.  I’d not only lost my husband. I had lost the future I had envisioned.  So, I prayed that God would show me his vision for my future, that he would give me clarity rather than confusion. 

“Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know.” Jeremiah 33:3

For months I prayed, and it felt like God was silent.  Then one day I read the first chapter of Psalms:

That person is like a tree planted by streams of water, which yields its fruit in season and whose leaf does not wither – whatever they do prospers.  Psalm 1:3

It was like God was speaking to me directly, answering my prayer!  I could see that God had created me as a tree – planted in Christ – to bear fruit!  My branches represented different parts of my life (family, business, friendships, church and community), and his purpose for me was to stay connected to him, while connecting with others.  I know this sounds crazy, but it clicked for me in a way that made all the difference in the world.  I took out a piece of paper and drew a tree, my branches, my relationships – all the connections God had provided for me.  I could see that I had played a role in connecting my children and my husband to Christ, and they were His fruit!  It all fit together, and I could see God’s purpose for me.  I was able to reconnect with the joy of building relationships, in a way I hadn’t for several years.

While this wasn’t the roadmap for my future that I had been seeking, it gave me great clarity for the present.  I knew what God wanted me to be doing each day, and for the near-term.  For me, “calling to God” meant not only praying for answers, but listening to his word.  His word tells me that my future on earth is not for me to know, but that I am His for eternity – a future worth looking forward to! 

• What is something you are confused or unclear about?
• Have you lost sight of your purpose in life?

PRAY:

Lord help me remember to call to you, when I’m unclear about my purpose or have decisions to make.    I will look to your word for answers, know that your good Spirit is my guide.  I will expect to hear your answers, and will seek to follow your will.  Thank you, Jesus for leading me!

Several years ago, I was on the phone with my daughter discussing a decision she was contemplating.  As she went back and forth with it, and I heard myself say, “Just play it by ear.”  Immediately, I realized what a lame response that was.  Not only did it show a lack of caring anc concern for her situation, but it didn’t convey what I really believe about decision making.  The Cambridge dictionary defines “play it by ear” this way: “To decide what to do when you know what is happening, rather than planning it in advance”.  While there’s nothing wrong with being flexible and open to changes in course, I don’t believe we are meant to base our decisions solely on circumstances and our feelings about them.  What I do believe, is that we are to trust in God and look to him for direction.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will direct your paths. Proverbs 3:5-6

How does he direct our paths?  First, we come to know Him, through faith. Then we communicate with Him through a regular rhythm of listening to His word (reading the bible), and praying (a two-way conversation with God).  God speaks to us through his word.  Sometimes it’s clear in a literal sense (e.g. thou shalt not steal), and other times, the guidance is less clear.  This is where our relationship comes in.  When we trust in Jesus, He gives us His Spirit to live within us.  The Spirit, counsels and guides us so we can have a strong sense of knowing, a still small voice within us, that tells us what we are to do.  We also become part of God’s family along with His Church.  When the guidance we hear doesn’t make sense according to our own understanding of what’s rational, practical, our Church community can help us discern and confirm God’s will.  Then it’s up to us to trust and obey.  When we step forward according to his guidance, the path ahead is revealed further.  Often, we receive understanding AFTER we obey, instead of obeying AFTER we receive understanding.  This is faith…trusting in the Lord with all our heart, soul, mind and strength!  Trying to get there by interpreting our circumstances alone will leave us confused, frustrated and lost.

I knew better than to just say “play it by ear”.  The truth is that God promises to lead us on the course of our lives if we seek him.Play it by prayer, is what I believe.  I believe it because I have read it in God’s Word and seen it in my life.  God confirmed that what I heard that day was his voice, “Play it by prayer.”  I thought, maybe He wants me to I’ll write a book!  Maybe He still does. And God has shown me that “Play it by Prayer” isn’t just about what I write.  It’s about me making prayer a way of life.  I’m still learning to trust God with my daily decisions.  God sees the bigger picture and may call me to do things that aren’t on my agenda.  If I turn to God, and follow his leading, I get to move closer to him and to see his power at work. Sometimes it’s not just the path itself that he’s calling me to, but the choosing.  Whose will do I seek – mine or God’s?

In their hearts, humans plan their course, but the Lord establishes their steps. Proverbs 16:9

PRAY: 

Lord help me to pray more, listen more, watch more, obey more, love more!

Show me your will for my life, my work, my relationships…one day at a time.

Help me wait patiently for your guidance, and obey quickly when I receive it!

Pray without ceasing.   1 Thessalonians 5:17 

It’s hard to imagine prayer becoming such a part of my life that I pray without ceasing.  Without ceasing sounds like breathing to me!  Yet somehow, after years of devoting myself to morning scripture and prayer, and learning to rely on God’s will for my life, I notice myself spontaneously praying to him throughout the day.  Prayers of praise, petition and confession.  Prayers of thanksgiving, intercession, and inquiry.  I realize that the more I come near to God, the more he comes near to me.

Come near to God and he will come near to you…  James 4:8

After days and weeks, months and years of seeing God answer my prayers, I know I can count on him coming near to me.  They say success breeds success.  I say witnessing answers to prayer breeds more prayer!  I have seen both of my children, my husband, and each of my siblings develop their own relationship with God.  I have seen the restoration of my parents’ marriage, my own marriage and the marriages of other family and friends.  I have seen my father-in-law, my husband, and my son recover from addiction to alcohol.  I have seen hundreds pray in faith after hearing the gospel of Jesus Christ for the first time.  I have seen friends receive healing from cancer.  I have repeatedly heard God’s voice after asking him for answers.  I know I can count on God, so I pray.  When his Spirit moves within me, I pray.  When I feel overwhelmed, I pray.  When I am afraid or desperate or confused, I pray.  When I feel grateful or joyful, I pray.  When I am concerned for a friend or loved one, I pray.

• What prayers have you seen God answer?
• Have you heard God’s voice or sensed his Spirit within you?
• When do you pray? What keeps you from praying?  What can you pray about now?

“Prayer does not fit us for greater works – prayer is the greater work.”  –  Oswald Chambers

PRAY:

Lord help me turn to you in prayer more often, in all things.  I know that the more I pray, the closer I get to you and the more I can rely on your spirit within me.  Filled with your spirit, I can gain your perspective on my circumstances in my life.  With your perspective, I gain confidence as your child and am encouraged!